I was bound by a sacred oath to escort the remains of Munro to their final resting place.Wow, so many old members coming back to life. I don't get it, does everyone just lurk and wait for one old member to post before coming back or what?
I can't imagine living in a city. For one, its not really my scene, but the rent is astronomical. I don't understand how someone can live in a place like that alone without making like at least $80K/year. My brother was paying like $1200/mo for a place in Boston, with FOUR roomates. And the place sucked.
Definitely considering moving out of CT, and possibly out of New England completely since rent's not much better anywhere short of like 200 miles away. The problem is that everything I know is in CT, and it sucks to leave it. I'm not the most social of people, and rather picky with friends, so I doubt I'd integrate into a new community very quickly. What I should do is find a better job. I make shit cashmoney for what I do, but the atmosphere of my workplace is perfect which makes it hard to risk leaving for more money only to find myself hating the place. Been considering starting my own business, but if I'm having trouble finding the money to move into a place myself, I don't really have a chance of starting a shop of my own without a massive loan. ****, now I'm all oppressed feeling. Thanks Sulk.
Congrats on your career though! When you say "freelance games writing", you mean writing plots for the games themselves, or journalism about games? If the former, which ones? And what parts of the US did you visit?
I've always been told that one of the perks of city living is that its easy to get places.And I REALLY miss being able to walk 10 minutes to get to work or the town centre where everything is, live opposite the gym and live in a luxury riverside house in a gated compound for £350/month (four sharing). Everything is such a ballache in a city and nothing is convenient (especially as I still have a sportsbike as my only transport). It was great finishing work at 3:30 on a Friday and wandering over the road to the pub, then later on wandering over to another pub five minutes away to meet whoever.
Depends on what you compare it to, I guess.I've always been told that one of the perks of city living is that its easy to get places.
I couldn't comfortably afford them on my old pay, but not a great deal in the grand scheme of things. I pay £475 a month for rent now and I have a huge (er, by UK standards) one bedroom flat to myself. About £600 a month with the bills. It's quite a bit cheaper than a similar place would have been in my old place of living, but I live in the shit end of Bristol. It would cost twice as much in the city centre or in the nicer suburbs. Although, it is only three and a half miles to town. A ten to fifteen minute journey on the motorbike, as there are about a billion traffic lights. But, it's not exactly walking distance! Then another five to ten minutes each end to get changed, lock/unlock the bike, blah blah blah. If you did it by car it would take twice as long and you'd have to pay stupid amounts of money to park every day.You're getting quadruple your pay, how much did you living expenses go up though? Not including any luxuries afforded by the higher pay.
My friend fixes Apple computers. He lived in Canada for a year and did the same thing, only on twice the money which apparently went four times further than it does over here.The thing is, my skills are all over the place, and I've kind of become disenchanted with getting a job in the career I went to school for due to high turnover of employees. Everyone I graduated with who landed industry jobs have lost their jobs and had to scramble to find another multiple times in the few years since we graduated. I got laid off from such a job and didn't want to move to a city where all these kinds of jobs are at, and so got a job as a computer repair tech. Its a lot less stressful, and easier to keep up with and all around a much better fit for me. But its got no future as far as me making a decent wage. Pay is shit unless you start your own business, and then its still only slightly better unless you service businesses, but then you're not doing the cool shit anymore and stress goes back up.
As of next month I'm getting company-paid health insurance though, so I've finally got a real "benefit" akin to a normal job. Now if only I could get paid vacation days... then we'd be talking.
Imma doing okay. Just picking up the pieces and figuring where to go from here. Preparing a face to meet the faces I meet and all that shiz. The isolation gets to me sometimes, but hey, I was basically dating Laura Palmer. It's nice being able to feel something again, even if it is loneliness. And work is never boring, keeps me busy. And I've had a pretty good life. I forgot to mention the summer I spent as a professional Johnny Cash impersonator, or the month a spent sailing the pacific as a captain of a 30-foot yacht. At eighteen. Man(wo?) I've had/got it good. I've 3 months before uni starts again and I have to start socializing and trusting people again.... I'll figure this out.Damn elkaebee, that's quite a few years you've had. Sorry to hear it As someone with more than the average exposure to things like drug addiction and death in people I care about I definitely understand how hard it can be to keep your head up. Hope you're doing well!
Keep chugging man.This isn't a cry for help or anything. And it's not April fools. It's late and I can't sleep and it's been a while since I've been able to honestly talk about everything and I don't see a shrink for another month and this place is far enough out of the way that I nobody who knows me is suddenly going to appear and start harassing me.
So things didn't turn out quite the way I planned...
More than a couple nervous breakdowns in public.
More than a couple violent beatdowns in public.
It's been a rough few months. Haven't been out socially for ten or so months and it's starting to get to me. And it;s not like I haven't tried. Just seems like I can;t buy a friend. My attempts at charity work and the like have sort of been curbed by people recognizing me and demanding I be let go. Was asked to leave the Freemasons on account of the rumors flying around about me, so that was more than slightly shitty.
Last month I tried to resuscitate a guy who had been dead for a couple days in the summer heat. I can't get the taste or smell of him out of my system.
My neighbor killed herself a few weeks ago. Her fiance moved out. All the blocks around me are vacant now. It's silent all the time. Even the crickets think this place is too ****ed up to be around.
Family are on the other side of the country for the forseeable future. I wish I'd told them something was up. Stupid, stupid me.
It's weird...The one person who said they loved me and would help me all the way through this hasn't acknowledged my existence in six months. The very last word out of her mouth were "I love you. No matter what happens I'm going to be by your side and we're going to get through this together. See you tomorrow." She ****ed some backpacker type the next day and hitched up with him. Somehow I went from The One to not existing in the space of a day. Not even answering texts... Probably not worth wasting time or thoughts or energy thinking about it. Closure would be nice. Something would be nice. Stupid reptilian brain thinks feigning a suicide attempt via text might provoke a response. Stupid reptilian brain is a jackass.
Got scars crisscrossing my face now. Lost a lot of dexterity from the fights. I've lost 13kg in 6 months. Now 61kg and 6'5 tall. People wince wherever I go.
Most days drinking myself into oblivion seems like a good alternative. Somehow I've managed to stay the course. Straight edge for life. Even when it makes no goddamn sense
Had a breakdown in class. Uni recommended I don't come back for a while. I agreed with their recommendation.
I don't even know how to spend the day after I finish work. Too distracted to read, brain too muddled to write, too nimb to listen to music, hands too broken to write or draw or paint. I can still do pushups. So I do.
Somehow I ****ed up. Everything I did led me here. And it's weird. I'm not suicidal. Not depressed. Just kinda lonely and sad that all the trust I put in the people I loved and cared about was completely betrayed. I wonder sometimes if anyone still thinks about me. My parents do. They love me.And I was too proud to tell them about all this when it could have made a difference. And now they're in all embroiled in a legal battle and my little sister's sick and I really can't do anything about anything.
I;m sorry. Its late and I'm frustrated and I know all this will pass at some stage. I just really want it to pass soon so I can go be normal again. goodnight you crazy, beautiful things. if ever I post again it'll be good news. i hope.