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The Daily Citizen - a many people post newspaper

Discussion in 'The Lounge' started by 15357, Mar 10, 2005.

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  1. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    i'm lazy to keep posting so......... :D
    make up your own articles and advertisements.
  2. Sam2k

    Sam2k Newbie

    Wanted: Headcrab launcher test target

    Ever considered the exciting world of weapons development? Now's the time to get ahead(crab) in the game! This job offers opportunities to work with animals in a friendly environment and develop your communication skills. The ideal candidate should have a thin skull and a large head to make the job easier. Also, a low IQ is preferred as the drop from a successful test won't be so extreme.

    If you are interested call 08001711632 (0800 CRAB ME)
  3. half lunatic

    half lunatic Newbie

  4. AJ Rimmer

    AJ Rimmer Tank

    Wanted: Experienced Window Washer for services in the citadel.
    High altitude climbing experience a plus.
  5. D.L

    D.L Newbie

    tired of the same old boring headcrab meal. Want a new twist to meal times. Try the new 'Rebel chef' it's the brand new cookbook. Now includes tettecrabe a vin.
  6. MarcoPollo

    MarcoPollo Newbie

    For Sale: Condo in sect. 5 #43d
    Used once, some blood stains, broken door, slight smell.
    For more info, message the Combine location placement center ext. #52
  7. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    CP officer commended.

    CP officer #5099827 was commeded today for his outstanding arrest record of 20,000. The total number of criminal offenses is 15,932.
    Since he went above and beyond, he was awarded with a copy of "Rebel Chef" and a codo in sect. 5 (#43d).
  8. bboymatty

    bboymatty Newbie

    Wanted: 2000 Beanies (Preferably Dark Blue or Black)

    Required Urgently for "Personal-Use" By group members
    Balaclava pull-down is requested but not compulsory
    Complete loyalty required

    Please contact:

    Rebellion Supply Depot
    1 Sewage Pipe Avenue
    city 17, Europe
  9. Jintor

    Jintor Didn't Get Temp-Banned


    Ever wanted to be a guest on the Breen show? Then come to your nearest combine telephone and call 1800-I HAVE NO MIND. that's 1800-I HAVE NO MIND.

    The Breen show. Tommorrow, at 6, 7, 8 and the rest of the day, week and month. On a gigantic, oversized TV Screen near you.
  10. CREMATOR666

    CREMATOR666 Newbie

    WANTED : Lamarr
    AWARDS : $50,000
    Individual is armed and very dangerous
  11. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    now post some nice articles too.

    advertisings are too much
  12. AJ Rimmer

    AJ Rimmer Tank

    Terrible accident in downtown City 17

    It was just an ordinary day for Citizen #3847 and his co-citizens, as they gathered around the TV to watch Dr Breen's latest speech concerning the new ration cupouns (page 13), but today, disaster was bound to strike. At 12:31 PM yesterday, the small group of people fell victim to a freak accident, despite heroic interference from local Civil Protection teams, all three men were deseased when they arrived. Civil Protection Officer #33982 says in our interview;
    (#33982) "Accident? What acci- oh right ermmm... yeah... hate to see that on the job, uh, terrible mess. Very sad, very sad."
    (Reporter) "Could you tell us more about what happened?"
    (#33982) "Oh sure. Me any my men were in the corridor outside, checking for disturbances when we heard a noise from a nearby apartment. We went to investigate and found one of the men, later revealed to be Citizen #3847 with his face hanging out the window but he didn't fall out to begin with, not until we... I mean, until the cord he was hanging on to somehow became unplugged. Then we proceeded to the kitchen where one of them was making a run for... I mean, running to help is friend."
    (reporter) "He was trying to help his friend by running away from him?"
    (#33982) "Exactly, so we tried to help him up from the floor..."
    (reporter) "What was he doing on the floor?"
    (#33982) "...when he tragically tumbled and hit his head on the table seventeen times before he finally broke his back from landing underneath a chair."
    (reporter) "How did he land underneath the chair?"
    (#33982) "I don't know but it was quite spectacular to watch. Now, once we made sure he was dead... uhm, you know, to avoid any mistakes in the paperwork, we found the third man, who myseriously had become stuck underneath a large filing cabinet which must have tripped over him as he got out of his chair. Very tragic."
    (reporter) "I see. Well thankyou very much Officer."

    It is sad that such a horrific set of circumstances can result in this tragedy. But as a countermeasure to this sort of thing to ever happen again, Dr Breen, in co-operation with the transhuman forces' council has decided to allow total scanner surveillance of all apartments, as opposed to the current "under suspition of crime only" -rules. Experts agree that, quote;
    "This is a necessary rule in order to avoid these terrible accidents and increase over-all security in City 17."
    -Source: The transhuman council for surveillance and public safety.

    Some suspicion has been aimed at the resistance, witnesses has exclamed these accusation after interrogation from Civil Protection Officers, claiming that it looked like;
    "An attempted murder, probably by the resistance, those wile scum! Thank god the CPs are on it, I feel so much safer with them around, and I'd love to join Civil Protection as soon as possible to thank them for it. God bless them! Each and everyone... Can I go now?"
    The local Civil Protection have stated they are investigating the matter after several eye witnesses held similar statements.

    /Civil Protection Investigative Reporter #2987
  13. Sloth

    Sloth Tank

    LOL,that how the news would come out i bet, lol
  14. Edcrab

    Edcrab Veteran Incompetent


    Free Man Denied

    Today, a well-known scientific figure vehemently denounced the controversial beliefs of his former colleagues.

    Once a fervent supporter of the so-called “Resistance”, Professor Aidelman- who clearly had frequent contact with unscrupulous characters such as Dr. Isaac Kliener- launched into a ridiculous tirade during Cycle 32425.

    Ranting and raving, he covered such suppositious ideas as the purported convergence anomalies cropping up at random within City 17 and the laughable concept of a destructive entity- “The Free Man”- which would one day appear amongst us and attempt to topple the ever-vigilant benefactor that is the Universal Union.

    Barely 400 cycles later, however, he attempted to undo his foolishly verbose statement in an unashamedly apologetic retraction. Putting his words down to a drug-induced hallucination, Professor Aidelman explained that the terrorist “Resistance” had forced him to take mind-altering substances and threatened him with torture.

    Indeed, when he was allowed use of the Public Announcement Network, he sported several abrasions and severe bruising across his left cheek, a frightening reminder of just what these self-declared “freedom fighters” are prepared to stoop to in order to spread their hateful lies.

    -Next Week, a Special Report regarding Equal Rights, addressing the unfounded reports that Vortigaunts are treated far more harshly than humans.
  15. Ravioli

    Ravioli Microboner

    Want to become a Combine? Want to join the forces of the overwatch and protect your countrey? Want to train and use high-tech weapons? wana beat up people at the street? JOIN COMBINES, See us at the nearest Outpost (note that the procedure CAN be painfull)
  16. CREMATOR666

    CREMATOR666 Newbie

    Actually, they preferred "Teh Universal Union" over "combines" (nice euphemism :p)
  17. Agent G-Man

    Agent G-Man Newbie

    Do you want to truly serve the Combine? Sign up at Nova Prospekt to become a Stalker! Don't know what a Stalker is? A Stalker is a Combine term for a special worker who gets to work in the Citadel!

    Note: all organs will be removed and your body will be ran under a saline solution. Extreme starvation of the human body and a mask will be required.

    Rumor: You will become mindless.
  18. Nemesis6

    Nemesis6 Newbie

    An interview with a Combine Volounteer. For the sake of annonimity, we will call him "John".

    The Daily Citizen - "Hello John!"

    John - "Hello."

    The Daily Citizen - "How did you become a volounteer?"

    John - "Well, I didn't really have an exciting life. I used to clean grafitti at Breen Square, but it simply wasn't worth it. The pay stunk and there was always more to clean every day. So one day when I was reading The Daily Citizen, I saw this ad for volounteering for the Combine Volounteer Force, and I decided to check it out. I consulted with the local Combine representative, and he got me in contact with the proper people, and now I'm in."

    The Daily Citizen - "What's life like in the Combine Volounteer Force? Do they pay you enough, is it exciting? Tell us a little bit about it."

    John - "Life is generally pretty comfy here. I, like the other volounteers are offered free housing inside the Citadel, free food food, and entertainment. It's really nice here. The way it works is that we're in the Citadel waiting to be called out to, well, "disturbances" of any kind. As far as pay goes, how's 200 Citz' each month sound?"

    The Daily Citizen - "You say "Disturbances", could you elaborate on that?"

    John - "Well, in this particular case I was thinking alien sightings. Mostly headcrabs crawling around. Sometimes those critters get past city walls, and they can be a real pain if they turn aggressive! I once had to beat down a poor victim that had been turned into a zombie by one of those things."

    The Daily Citizen - "So, one could say that the Combine Volounteer Force is sort of a police unit?"

    John - "I guess you could say that. When heavily armed soldiers aren't really needed, we're the ones for the job. Also, we're sometimes sent out on patrols. Sometimes people wave, or children crowd around us. It can be a pretty positive experience for both us and the Citizens. However, it's not all fun and games. Citizens sometimes throw rocks or bottles at us, in which case we're forced to respond."

    The Daily Citizen - "Now, I've got a letter here from a, well, let's call her Jane Doe. Jane Doe writes - "Dear John, what do you and the other volounteers do in the Citadel when you're not patrolling the streets or out on assignments? Also, how does the combine handle housing? Do you have seperate rooms or something like that? Sincerely, Jane Doe."""

    John - "Well, it's like this - We have seperate rooms with a bed, a tv, and a closet, and stuff like that. We have a lounge where we can socialize, play pool, poker, play Darts, watch TV or check the CombiNet. Also, we sometimes play Electroball, that's a blast, if you know what I mean!"

    The Daily Citizen - "I have another letter here from Jonn Doh. Jonn writes - "Dear John, how does the Combine Volounteer Force get to the scene of any disturbances reported? Sincerely, Jonn.""

    John - "That depends. If it's within 10 miles of the Citadel, we use the teleports. If it's further than that, we mostly use the standard Combine APC. However, if it's a far away like the Shepard Swamps, we're transported by gunship or helicopter mostly."

    The Daily Citizen - "John, thank you for your time, and good luck."

    John - "You're welcome."
  19. bliink

    bliink Newbie

    Container surplus in City 17
    The large amount of empty oil drums and wooden crates that have been building up in the C17-Metro area have finally been adressed by the city administration.
    "we have no idea where they came from" explained Snr. Commander P. Headbeater, "all I know is that there are a lot of them".
    A rebel plot is the suspected cause behind the mass of crates, the motivation of which is still unclear.
    "There are other theories" however, explains Dr. "K", speaking to us on a condition of anonymity; "if you recall, in early 2007, the city ordered significant numbers of these crates in an attempt to ship out the millions of AOL discs that were dropped during the "AOL Blimp Blitz" of 2006, unfortunately, alien invasion delayed these plans, and the discs ended up being used by the combine as ammunition"
  20. Fleabaine

    Fleabaine Guest

    I'm so sorry but I have to say it.....

  21. bliink

    bliink Newbie

    Sorry, but if you consider the normal activities (fan fic like this etc) at a halflife 2 forum to be worthy of criticism then maybe you shouldnt be here.
    2 points for spam, and consider yourself lucky you weren't warned for personal attacks.
  22. Hazar

    Hazar Tank

    :D great one bliink (the news post)


    Want Better Food???

    Join the combine police force today!!!

    (ok, so it was lame)
  23. Sloth

    Sloth Tank

    Hazar it was, but really who cares.
    I might get my donkey inot gear and do one, but not now.
    (Bliink, good job, it's stuipd to say something like that on a HL2 forum)
  24. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    i'm sorry but : f------ s--- ---- --- -- - -----.

    edit: oh also, STFU

    and good job people. i like your articles and ads. :)
  25. Jintor

    Jintor Didn't Get Temp-Banned

    OMG WTF BBQ!!!!oneoneoneeleven

    In sectors of City 17 today, people with balaclavas and combine have all been observed killing each other and continuously somehow "coming back to life" to kill each other all over again. Sometimes they shout things like "OMG WTF? HOW DID U GET ME!" and "LOL!!!!ROFL!!!!".

    It has been noted that occasionally they freeze in place and then die suddenly, and then suddenly appear again to face the new land and die more or less immediantly. Reports indicate that the more stupid ones "spawn" (The Daily Citizen attributes this "slang" to members of a "gaming clan") in the middle of an explosion, in the direct path of a flying object, in front of a crossbow bolt etc.

    Inquiries into these events have led to the questioners being booted and kicked repeatedly. The Universal Union is inquiring into the reason why members of their armed forces are armed with "Zero-Point-Energy-Manipulators" and question the initiative they are showing in attempting to maim, kill and generally disfigure the rebels when everyone is continually "respawning" back onto the field of battle.

    This is tying up valuable resources, and Human Resources executives have decided to muck around with expenses charts and stuff, justifying the complete irradication, or, "firing", of these combine fools.

    Inquireys are continuing.
  26. Sloth

    Sloth Tank

    Holy crap, that was awsome, Jintor, i have to do one soon, need more time
  27. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    Murders In Sector 3

    Today, officers of the Civil Protection Unit #31, found 9 dead identical bodies. Judging by their frozen forms, the evil rebels are suspected of using a weapon called "Garry's Mod".

    The Universal Union's human resources executives' spokesperson declined comment due to the investigations of inquiry #40559687 (OMG WTF BBQ!!!!oneoneoneeleven).
  28. Edcrab

    Edcrab Veteran Incompetent

    Tongue-in-cheek ones are definitely best :D

    Severe Reality Distortions Continue

    For reasons unknown, the Dimensional Monitoring Authority (which has been accused of redundancy due to the simple fact that only our alien oppressors bother to traverse the membranes of reality) has picked up an inexplicably high level of matter harmonics.

    Although no one knows whether that's plausible or perhaps just bullshit propaganda, these phenomena occur whenever the laws of physics appear to warp and allow events that could only be described as impossible.

    Recently many citizens have felt the need to walk, uninvited, into the homes and workplaces of neighbours- and then proceed to smash open every container, many of which (as a previous report has touched upon) contained nothing but air. Even more bizzarely, no one ever seems to comment on the fact that a total stranger has broken into their residence and proceeded to destroy and steal their property.

    Even headcrabs appear to have been influenced by the anomalies- they are now shunning women- once perfectly suitable hosts- in favour of an all-male horde of zombies. While the fact that the alien parasites are displaying chauvinist tendencies is hardly the most severe of developments, it is indeed unsettling.

    Perhaps strangest of all, injured persons are now leaping onto fragile, standard-issue medical packages in bids to heal themselves. But far from being lacerated by broken glass and shards of the plastic casing, they find themselves- if anything- in a much better state than before.

    Metrocops are reporting increasingly frequent incidents of resitance members "spawning" vast arsenals of weaponry or calling several thousand ripe melons into being. Others appear to be able to control the distortions in different ways; slowing down their opponents who lag, if you will, behind their healthy counterparts, or somehow forcing corpses into shudder-inducing sexual positions.

    I will now sign off, because a man who looks just like me is trying to block my office door with my filing cabinet.
  29. FireCrack

    FireCrack Newbie

    Universal inflation theory hits new proof.

    In the wake of the portal storms it seems that the universes inflation has clapsed breakiong the world up into many fragments, traveling betwwen these seems to cause tiome to stop for everyone but the traveler for several minutes, more reports to follow.
  30. Jintor

    Jintor Didn't Get Temp-Banned

    Intrest Rates falling, Death rates Rising

    The Combine Supresssion Index today offered new evidence that Intrest rates are falling.

    "If you look at this chart, prepared over careful minutes, you will see that between the crayola and coloured pencil, there is a line going down. This probably represents the intrest rates." said a Combing Banking Systems (CBS) spokescombine today. "It may appear to be a drawing we found on the streets, but it is obviously a chart of intrest rates. Look! Seriously!"

    In unrelated news, the amount of bankers suddenly dying of gigantic masses of fat on their heads, or suddenly getting disintigrated by fusion balls, has increased today. CBS spokescombine attribute this to "Rebel activity".

    "Yeah, it looks like they're out to kill you all." said one spokescombine. "They're not out to free you! They're out to... uh... kill you! Come be a Combine! It dosn't screw your imagination!"
  31. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    City 17 Under Quarantine

    The CCDC(Combined Centers for Diease Control) quarantined all zones that are in range (30kms) from the Citadel of City 17. The rebels are suspected of spreading a virus to cause the Severe Reality Distortion Syndrome(SRDS). Said one spokescombine from the CCDC today:

    "As we said, the rebels are here to kill you all!"

    Zones A6 to B213 will be under quarantine and the surrounding areas will be evacuated in the near future.
  32. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    well now, this is a daily newspaper.........


    no articles due to ignorance by the journalists.
  33. Jintor

    Jintor Didn't Get Temp-Banned

    I'm waiting for someone else to post, man. I can't bring up all these articles by myself. I need inspiration!
  34. AJ Rimmer

    AJ Rimmer Tank

    Slow newsday causes editor to critizise newspaper journalists! Read all about it!
  35. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    Mr.Rimmer found dead

    AJ Rimmer was found dead today in a house with a 216mm rocket rammed into his mouth.
    CPs say that this was a suicide or perhaps an accident.
  36. AJ Rimmer

    AJ Rimmer Tank

    15357 sucks!

    15357 sucks, this has been discovered by the combine council for 15357 sucks's experts. They are all in unison, 15357 does indeed suck.
  37. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube

    :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

    ok, i'm sorry.

    somehow, this is not insulting. instead, it makes me laugh.

    and again, i'm sorry.
  38. AJ Rimmer

    AJ Rimmer Tank

    15357 found not to suck

    The council of experts have reversed themselves and are now in agreement that 15357 does not suck. Instead he is a just ruler and a fine editor. More on Pagr 6

    Rumours of Daily Citizen reporter getting a raise

    The rumours that now are circulating of an un-named Daily Citizen reporter getting a big, big raise are still growing strong. We are still waiting for confirmation from our glorious editor 15357.
  39. 15357

    15357 Companion Cube


    Notice: All Daily Citizen reporters will have a pay raise from 100,000 CC to 250,000 CC (combine credits).

    And a certain A- R----r and J-n--- will get a bonus of 1.34*10^30000 CC

    oh, jintor, try looking at others articles and make somthing related. that could be an inspiration.

    Quarantine zones increased!

    The CCDC (Combined Centers for Diease Control) have now evacuated zones B220 to C499.
    But, some daily citizen reporters (that just had a raise) will go in in spite of the epidemic, and report there. Good luck to those brave reporters!
  40. tinyxipe

    tinyxipe Newbie

    Watermelon Worries in City 34

    By Nelson Lavast
    Universal Union Associated Press

    Ashley Logan is concerned. And City 34 administrators are going to be hearing about it.

    Logan has recently formed the group Citizens Against Dietary Suppression (CADS) with the hope of bringing attention to the problems faced by many citizens of City 34.

    “It’s an outrage. Don’t they have any consideration for us? The dietary restrictions are absurd. Nearly everyone I know is forced to eat watermelon every day,” says Logan, a former member of the entertainment industry. “I don’t think they have any idea of the amount of carbohydrates found in a single serving of watermelon. And I see people eating from Chinese food containers on a regular basis. It’s just awful.”

    CADS co-founder Lisa Bertrand has the future in mind. “They can’t be here forever. That’s what Administrator Breen keeps telling us. When they’re gone what’s going to be left here? A city of carbohydrate-addicted fatties? I know that in the past year I’ve gained two pounds! Two pounds! How will I ever get my career started back up again?” She dissolves into hopeless tears.

    Logan and Bertrand have collected a group of over a dozen members to CADS. Several were once big names in Hollywood before the arrival of the UU. They hope to use their former status to bring awareness to the general citizenry and the leaders of the city. Reinstating nutrition information labeling and increasing diversity in food selection is high on their priority list.

    “We’ll be picketing at the administrative offices next week and we encourage everyone to show up and give support. We have a right to choose,” Logan states. “And no one knows what they put in those prepackaged meals. We need to show the UU that grassroots movements like this really can make a change.”

    See related story pg. 3
    Watermelon Production: How Do They Grow So Many?
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