Just a public service announcement. Seriously, I have been in some of the worst pain in my life since yesterday because I am constipated. I've experienced three day food poisoning of constant vomiting and this in my opinion is worse. It's like somebody with a jack hammer on my lower left side and I've been crying and wincing in pain. I've had this before, but it's never been this bad before. At one point I thought my colon had ruptured and I was going to die. Worst yet, my insurance kicks in in 6 days. As willie always says... butt. Treat your butt right.
Time to start digging for gold! Spoiler (Move your mouse to the spoiler area to reveal the content) Show Spoiler Hide Spoiler i'm not talking about picking your nose...
I do not understand how in the hell people get so constipated. My shits take on average thirty seconds, the quickest shit I've ever taken being around 10 seconds. You people have weird bodies is all I'm sayin' breh. Also RIP Raz's butt get well soon butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt butt
I've had it once before. Not before then, in any way I could tell. It might be because the past few weeks I've been doing shitloads of manual labor and sweating like crazy thus being exposed to dehydration even though I've tried to drink lots of water. Top that off with a poor diet lately lacking in fiber and I guess there you go. Never had constipation pain before in my life other than the two incidents, and I'll tell you what... I never want to have it again. I won't have that problem though, because RIP Raz's butt indeed.
So, last Saturday I drank like 6 heavy IPAs with a friend, then shared a bottle of dark rum and had many jack and cokes. Drunk munchies come aboard the shithoused train, so I eat an entire foot-long Subway sandwich with 9-grain honey oat bread. Hungover as all hell, I get an oven pizza and a full bag of chips which I devour both of in a recovery attempt. I remember I haven't taken a shit in 4 days, so I take 8 grams of fiber on top of that. Keep in mind, I have been on a low-carb kind of diet for the past several months. I literally tore my asshole yesterday morning. It actually didn't hurt that much (maybe I was just relieved I finally dispensed that fecal load), but there was blood. So, I guess my advice is: be careful and drink a shit load of water. I'm starting to regret sharing this. This might have been better suited for the anonymous confessions thread. Well, **** it. I'd like to formally state that this was the first time I have ever clogged a toilet with solely fecal matter. Yay for that ****ing milestone.
Never been constipated before. /proudface My trick is to just eat a Taco Bell Quesidilla and some soft tacos. Guaranteed you'll shit within the hour.
Weird thing is... Taco Bell and all sorts of food of similar shitty quality used to give me the shits all the time. I spent like 3 months eating super healthily and now I can drink the occasional milkshake, eat taco bell, burgers and stuff and not have violent diarrhea like I used to. Lactose doesn't even give me as many problems.
See, I've never gotten that whole "certain foods making you shit" thing. Mexican, Chinese, Indian... Never made my poops or poop schedule any different from the regular apart from maybe they feel a bit warmer after I've had spicy food. No epic squits, though. Must have good bowels. Not counting, of course, if there was some sort of laxative in the food I ate. That'd probably make me chug out some watery fowls.
Suddenly I'm reminded of that terrible thread Pitz made years ago. I think he still has a link to it in his sig. Edit: Found it.
HA! HAHAHA! I wish. I took two maximum strength laxatives day of. Nothing happened in 12 hours. Nothing happened the next day when I took two more. I am mostly better now though. Went to work yesterday and today. So it's pretty much past. But god damn, I never want to do that again.
I hope I don't have to eat MREs for an extended period for a long, long time. That stuff just constipates the **** out of you, included laxatives or not.
Hell yeah prunes, although prunes are a bit of a mixed bag for me. If I eat the right amount (i.e. two or three) there will be no constipation. Usually, since they're so delicious, three will not suffice to quell my appetite for prunes. So I'll have 6, or 10. If you ever want to fart like you've never farted before, eat a lot of prunes. You won't get diarrhea—at least I didn't.
Raziaar, you're so great with Futurama references. Is there anything you can't do? I can't fail the Mayor. Not ever.
shouldn't you get enough fiber from your grass grazing? Anyway I try to get in a serving of veggies every meal if not I compensate with an apple or so after. Not too easy to get dehydrated and not feel it coming in a tropical climate
The closest I've ever been to constipation is going one day without a shit. I usually go 3-5 times a day.
Holy shit, five times in a day? I go, at most, two or three. And thats only when I eat Taco Bell. Most days I shit once, piss two or three times.
I think you mean, constipates the **** into you. Oh-huh. Aint nothing coming out of you. **** or no ****.
I will never ever understand people who poop more than twice a day or spend more than 5 minutes per poop.
Okay guys. I think I met my match today. Just...holy goddamned shit. I woke up this morning. Fine. I'm good. Everything is cool. Kick back and watch some Phineas and Ferb. Go to the kitchen and grab an orange when I get hungry. Oh no. Oh no no. I f*cked up. I f*cked up bad. My father and I get on the road to go do some work. Heavy lifting, carpentry, crafting shit. Seems like everything will be typical. Oh no, my friend. I went into labor. My lower body convulsed. My left nut receded into my goddamned body from the pain. I was writhing all over the truck seat, begging for Satan to save me. We were 10 miles from our destination. I couldn't do that. I forced my father to pull into a convenience store. No shoes on. F*ck. F*ck it. No, no just f*ck it. I'm going in. The clerk looked at me strangely. I gave them the eye of death. I seared their very soul with f*ck. I planted my ass on that porcelain throne. Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing. I tried to make it com out to no avail. My mouth began watering. Nausea took over. I alternated between wanting to spray stomach bile all over the bathroom floor and wanting to drop bombs over Baghdad. After 5 minutes something reared its head from my ass. "Poot" No. No this wasn't sufficient. Five more minutes of agony and wretched pain passed. Several more farts passed into the bowl. Then it happened. I don't know if I wish it had. A fart that may or may not have cleaved the earth in two erupted from my butthole. It hurt so much I yelled in agony. My anus was not meant to do what it was doing. The force of Hell poured into the bowl and waged war with the watery inhabitants of whatever land occupied it. It didn't matter, though. None survived what came next. A mountain of shit began building and building. Finally, a ceasefire was called. It was over. I looked down at the carnage. It was wrong. It was like the dog in The Fly 2. It came out wrong. It was wide enough to clog the pipe and tall enough it almost tickled my anus in its own disgusting way. I spent ten long minutes wiping the remnants of the unholy abomination from my anushole. I took one last look at the wretched aberration and flushed it away. It went down screaming something in backwards Latin. I washed my hands and exited the bathroom. The clerk looked at me with a look that communicated their knowledge of the horrible events that transpired. They set to work on rescuing the survivors, what little there may be of the two warring factions left in that bowl. I walked back to the truck. My dad didn't ask me what happened. It's best that way.